Dealing with a narcissistic co-parent can be difficult on its own, but helping a child deal with this parent is a whole different and more complicated issue. Here is everything you need to know about how to protect your child from a narcissistic parent.
Whenever dealing with a narcissistic parent, the non-narcissistic parent should always document misconduct, enforce court orders, and encourage their child to speak to their attorney. They should also do everything in their power to help their child cope with the narcissistic parent by being calm, giving their children validation, etc
Related: How to Divorce a Narcissistic Husband
How to Protect Your Child from a Narcissistic Parent
While a parent may not be able to ensure that a child spends no time with a narcissistic parent, there are some steps that can be taken to protect the child to the best of the parent’s ability:
Document Misconduct
Narcissists are very skilled at making themselves seem like the ideal parent to the courts. The non-narcissistic parent will often need documented proof before taking anything to the authorities, so it is essential to document everything possible. How and what documents will depend on the situation, but they should speak with their attorney to make sure they go about it properly.
Enforce Court Orders
If the non-narcissistic parent is being represented by a lawyer that has experience in narcissistic divorce, they likely would have ensured court orders to help mitigate abuse on the child by the narcissistic parent. If this is not the case, the non-narcissistic parent should work on getting court orders immediately. These orders can include counseling for the child, non-disparagement clauses, clauses prohibiting certain types of discipline, and even supervised visits. Failing a court order can result in consequences, and is the best way to ensure that a child is safe when in the hands of the narcissistic parent.
Encourage Your Child to Speak to Their Attorney
In a custody case, the narcissistic parent will often attempt to make it look like the non-narcissistic parent is trying to prevent the child from seeing them. Concerns coming from the child are more likely to be taken as truth in front of the court. It is essential that the non-narcissistic parent does not tell their child what to say to the attorney, and not to push them to do anything that they don’t want to say. But the child should still know that they can tell their lawyer anything and that no one will be upset if they tell the truth.
How to Help Your Child Cope with a Narcissistic Parent
While a custodial parent should try to protect their child at all costs, the child will inevitably still interact with and be under the control of the narcissistic parent at times. This child will need to learn how to cope with their situation, along with the help of the non-narcissistic parent. There are a few ways that a parent can help their child cope:
Be the Calm Parent
Narcissistic parents are often very reactive and aggressive when things are not about them or do not go their way. A divorce is likely to amplify such emotions and cause issues to escalate quicker than normal. The narcissistic parent will be more likely to react and yell at their child if they get upset. During these times, it is important to consider the children, and for the non-narcissistic parent to be as calm as possible whenever their child misbehaves. This means managing their temper and attempting to control their emotions.
Related: Understanding Divorce with Children in California
Do Not Fall Into the Narcissistic Parent’s Trap
The goal of the narcissistic parent will be to get an emotional response from the other parent. This will allow them to take control of the situation and play the victim, portraying the other parent to be the bad parent. The non-narcissistic parent should do everything they can to remain calm so they can keep control over the situation and what happens to their child.
Limit Interaction During Parenting Time
As long as the child will definitely be safe, the non-narcissistic parent should try to limit their interaction with the child when they are in the care of the narcissistic parent. If the child is older and has their own phone, this will be less of an issue. The non-narcissistic parent should make sure to set aside a specific time to talk with their child. This will give the child the assurance that they will be able to talk to their other parent while limiting the non-narcissistic parent’s interaction with the narcissistic parent.
Minimize Contact with the Narcissistic Parent Outside of the Children
In an effort to control the situation, a narcissist will often try to keep the conflict going even after the divorce has been finalized. It is essential that the other parent does not let the narcissistic parent into their lives (outside of the kids) so that the narcissistic parent is unable to have emotional control over them. Avoiding conflict helps the kid have security and stability in their lives.
Give Your Children Validation
Chances are, the child is not being validated by their narcissistic parent, and that can be really damaging. The non-narcissistic parent should make it a priority to tell their kids that they are loved, talented, beautiful, and that their feelings are valid. This will allow them to be able to manage the invalidation they are receiving from the narcissistic parent better.
Don’t Criticize the Narcissistic Parent in Front of Your Children
It is okay and even understandable for the other parent to get annoyed and upset at the narcissistic parent, yet they should never unleash these feelings on the child. While the child may seem mature, it is not up to them to play the role of therapist. Despite all of the narcissistic parent’s actions, they are still the parent of the child and the child still loves them.
Do Not Allow Your Child to Be Physically or Emotionally Abused by the Narcissistic Parent
If the other parent sees or hears abusive behavior coming from the narcissistic parent aimed towards the child, they must take action. Knowing about such behaviors and not doing anything will only make the other parent as guilty as the abuser.
Should you try to prove to the court that your co-parent has a personality disorder like narcissism?
While this may seem like a good idea on the surface, it actually is almost impossible to do and will not have any outcomes that will actually benefit the child. Not only is narcissism really hard to prove, but it’s expensive, and most narcissists will refuse to seek therapeutic help. At surface value, narcissists are very good at portraying that they are exemplary people and parents. If a parent attempts to prove that their ex-spouse is a narcissist, the most courts will do is send both parents to co-parenting counseling, which will likely only make the situation worse.
A judge could order a psychological evaluation for both parents, possibly revealing that the co-parent suffers from narcissism, yet this is rare and parents should not get their hopes up. The best thing to do for the sake of the child involved is to follow the advice given above.
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