I Hit My Boyfriend: What Should I Do?

*Content warning: discussion of domestic violence

Domestic violence is a serious issue and can be challenging to navigate. Here’s what to do if you hit your boyfriend.

There is a significant misconception that domestic abuse only occurs by men against women. However, this is false. Hitting one’s boyfriend is also considered domestic violence under the law unless it is deemed self-defense.

What is Domestic Violence Under the Law?

Domestic violence refers to relationship abuse marked by coercion, force, or attempting to gain control over one’s partner. It can be physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, economic, or psychological and involves threats or specific actions taken against another person.

The legal definition of domestic violence includes causing physical harm (hitting, kicking, slapping, throwing things, etc.) or threatening physical harm. Therefore intentionally hitting one’s boyfriend qualifies as physical, domestic violence.

Was Hitting Your Boyfriend Self-Defense?

If an individual is protecting themselves or protecting another family or household member, and they use reasonable force to stop an attack, this may be considered self-defense. It is important to note that someone cannot argue self-defense if they started or escalated the incident in question.

There are limitations to the self-defense claim. In addition to only responding to an attack, and not instigating one, the use of force that the defendant reacted with must be reasonably proportionate to the domestic violence incident.

Identifying Domestic Violence

If someone hits their boyfriend intentionally and not as an act of self-defense, this is considered domestic violence. While physically striking a person is a form of domestic abuse, it is not the only one. Here are a few other signs that a person has caused or is causing abuse:

The threat of harm with a weapon
Threatened with bodily harm
Pulling hair
Throwing objects
Grabbing, dragging, pushing, or tripping
Scratching, slapping, kicking, biting, pinching, or punching
Forced sexual relations
Prevention of escape

What to Expect if You Hit Your Boyfriend

It is important to understand that one’s boyfriend may seek immediate action in the face of violence in the relationship.

The safest course of action for most survivors is to leave the scene immediately, so do not be surprised if this is the approach a boyfriend takes.

The survivor may choose to file a police report and pursue either a civil or criminal case if they so choose. They may also choose to obtain a Domestic Violence Restraining Order, or a civil court order that is signed by a judge and tells an abuser to stop the abuse or face serious legal consequences. It offers civil legal protection from domestic violence to both women and men victims.

A boyfriend can also consider separation and not pursue legal action. Separation is the most common first step following a domestic violence dispute. However, if they do pursue legal action, it is best to consult an attorney to best understand the domestic violence statutes in one’s state or area.

Preventing Further Violence

Once domestic violence occurs once, there’s a good chance it will keep happening if an individual does not take steps to curb it. Stress can be a major cause of violence in a relationship. Domestic violence sometimes has at the core of it a lack of communication or an inability to relax and get rid of that stress that has built up.

It is important to understand the source of the violence in order to prevent it from ever happening again. However, if violent urges continue to occur it is essential to seek professional help before the violence escalates.

Domestic Violence Hotlines and Resources

Survivors and their loved ones can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline or visit their website and research domestic violence resources.

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