Divorcing a narcissistic husband can be emotionally and physically challenging. Here are 9 tips to help divorce a narcissistic husband.
Narcissistic husbands can intentionally make the divorce process harder to maintain power. Due to their narcissistic behaviors, divorcing a narcissist might be expensive and exhausting. Preparation will help you create boundaries and strategies to get through this process.
What is a narcissist?
A narcissistic personality disorder is a mental condition where a person has a grandiose sense of self-importance. Narcissists can lack empathy, have a sense of entitlement, and need attention. Narcissists can be master manipulators motivated by having control and power over others. A narcissist’s core personality may go into overdrive when attempting to defend themself against the potential shame of their failed marriage.
A narcissist may do anything to “win” divorce due to their increased inability to face criticism. Their behavior can include spreading lies about you, stating you are not a good person, or other manipulative or abusive tactics. Their drive to win can make divorcing a narcissist a drawn-out court battle, expensive, and exhausting because the viable alternatives to simplify divorce may not apply. Documentation, firm boundaries and an experienced attorney will help you divorce a narcissistic husband.
A spouse should prepare for potential trauma while divorcing a narcissist. The following 9 tips aim to maintain your emotional health during a divorce if you suspect your spouse is a narcissist.
How to Identify a Narcissistic Spouse
It can be difficult for someone to recognize their spouse as narcissistic because the signs are not always present, and mental health disorders are not always black and white. A diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder can differ from your husband’s self-absorbed or self-entitled behavior.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) defines narcissistic personality disorder. The DSM lists 9 criteria to qualify as a narcissist clinically, but someone only needs to meet 5 criteria for the doctor to diagnose as a narcissist clinically:
- Grandiose sense of self-importance.
- Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, ideal love, beauty, or brilliance.
- The unshakable belief they are unique and special from others and should only associate with high-status people
- Need for excessive admiration
- Sense of entitlement
- Interpersonal exploitative behavior
- Lack of empathy
- Envious of others or a belief that others are envious of them
- Arrogant and haughty behavior and attitude
If your husband engages in any of the above behaviors, you may experience the following during your relationship:
- You are disconnected from your husband, and he has a lack of interest in your life.
- You feel manipulated, and if you do something wrong, [you feel] bad things will happen
- You feel inadequate in the relationship, and your husband makes negative comments about your words/actions
- You feel you are responsible for everything and constantly walking on eggshells
- You see through your husband’s charm in public versus behind closed doors
- Your husband ignores your needs
- You feel your husband criticizes you constantly
- Your family may not like the way your spouse treats you
- You feel unloved
If you see the signs of a narcissistic husband or feel the impacts of your husband’s narcissism, you may be experiencing emotional or physical violence. If you think you experienced domestic violence, a good starting place for resources is the Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233.
As you are divorcing your husband, you may face a trauma from your history with him. Working with an experienced therapist can help. Here are 9 tips to help a spouse divorce a narcissistic husband during this difficult time.
9 tips to Divorce a Narcissistic Husband
1. Be mentally and emotionally prepared.
Prepare for the divorce process and expect it may be a very difficult time. A narcissist may fight with you every step of the way, due to a grandiose sense of entitlement. A narcissist can thrive off of interpersonal exploitation. Your spouse might blame everything on you and not admit their part in your divorce. If your narcissistic spouse is unwilling to accept their role in the problems, your spouse may not care how long the process takes and will engage in a long and drawn-out court battle if need be. Preparing for a potentially exhausting divorce process can help you set up measures in your life to not get burnt out. Learning to expect this outcome will allow you to take preventative measures from getting frustrated, overwhelmed, or emotionally drained by the narcissist in your life.
2. Educate yourself about narcissism.
Knowing your spouses’ personality and how narcissistic personality disorder could feel their life will be extremely beneficial in working through this difficult time. Understanding your spouse lacks the self-awareness to be amicable with you, does not care how emotionally taxing this is for you (and your children,) and desires power and control over you can motivate you to act strategically and remain drama-free. This knowledge will help you when your spouse is attempting to manipulate you or disrespect your boundaries. Learning about narcissism will also help you choose the right divorce attorney. You can indicate to your attorney your spouse is a narcissist. Knowing this information and relaying it to your attorney will help you remain mature and calm.
3. Establish a strong support system.
Narcissists can be charming and master manipulators. As master manipulators, narcissists can attempt to manipulate your friends, family, and children, and may even go as far as spreading lies about you. Having a strong network of friends and family you can rely on is essential.
4. Document EVERYTHING.
Narcissists may lie for their benefit. You must document every conversation (instead of phone calls, text your spouse), keep records of visits with your children, and keep everything in writing. Having documentation of the truth will keep you safe in case you need evidence in court. Keeping records will prove beneficial to you later.
5. Hire an attorney experienced with a narcissistic personality disorder.
Narcissists do not like to lose and will do anything not to. Your spouse will not care how long the process takes and may choose to battle you in court. Therefore, is in your best interest to hire an attorney experienced with a narcissistic personality disorder. Attorneys experienced with narcissistic personalities have strategies to deal with a narcissist in the courtroom and throughout the divorce. Ask your attorney about payment, as your spouse may generate a lot of time and labor for both of you.
6. Do not get emotionally charged.
Your divorce from a narcissist might be hard. A narcissist likes power, therefore the narcissist will do anything to stay emotionally engaged with you. A narcissist may use any opportunity to make you look and feel embarrassed and incompetent in court, in part due to their lack of empathy and desire to win at any cost. You must remain mature and calm in these situations. Remain drama-free, although it might be tempting to respond with anger and allegations. Responding with anger will only fuel their narcissistic behavior.
7. Be strategic.
It is part of a narcissistic personality’s nature to work you down in every possible way. You must be strategic in your conversations and in the battles you decide to have. Think of ways the narcissist can “win.” This may sound silly, but some fights are not worth having and can exhaust you for more important discussions. Narcissistic personalities love to win, and not fighting in battles for unimportant will benefit you in the long run and help the court finalize your divorce quicker.
8. Create firm boundaries.
Narcissists do not respect people’s boundaries, meaning if you’re married to a narcissist, you may accustom to your needs going unnoticed and unmet. Put yourself first and ensure your spouse does not violate your boundaries. If you did not establish boundaries in the first place, they may be harder to create now. However, you still can. Boundaries look like not answering your spouse’s calls immediately, adopting a communication style that is strict about child support and other financial matters, and other ways preventing their access to manipulate you.
9. Practice self-care.
As you are going through this divorce, put yourself first. You can exercise and eat regularly, sleep, see friends, and most importantly, contact a therapist who is experienced with narcissistic trauma and can help you constructively work through your emotions. Take time away from your divorce by not thinking about it and spending time doing things you love. Practicing self-care will help you recharge and enjoy the good things in life.
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