In the heat of the moment, a divorce may seem like the best, or maybe even only, option. Here’s how to decide if it is time for a divorce.
A divorce is a life-altering decision that should never be taken lightly. It is deeply personal and no one can tell another what is right for them. However, Her Lawyer has compiled a short quiz for those considering divorce and would like a second opinion.
Should You Get a Divorce? Take the Quiz
Why are you even thinking about divorce?
There could be many reasons for divorce, whether it is that there is no more love between spouses, the spark is burnt out, betrayal, cheating, etc. When considering divorce, consider why the idea is even on the table. Oftentimes, the best solution is to talk honestly with one’s spouse about the source of contention. If the issue cannot be resolved, the conversation has little effect or even worsens a relationship, perhaps it is time to think about taking further steps. There is never any harm in working to be more self-aware and contemplating existing relationships. Partners should attempt to learn more about the nature of their marriage and the potential source of the conflict because only by properly reflecting on and identifying the issue, can the relationship start to heal and improve.
Chances are if a partner has already started preparing an exit strategy that they are not far from the door. Whether it is funneling money to different accounts or job searching for more financial independence, once partners begin planning an exit, they often have already come to believe that their marriage is not working.
Is the marriage abusive?
It is important to note that domestic abuse can come in many forms. Whether it is physical, financial, emotional, or verbal, abuse is not healthy and should not be tolerated.
Physical violence is never okay and spouses experiencing this should get to a safe space immediately and consider divorce. California Courts have put together a series of resources and organizations to help.
Financial abuse is often overlooked. Financial abuse can either be:
- Direct: as in when one partner controls all of the money of the other and refuses to give them money
- Indirect: when a spouse gambles away everything the couple owns
Signs of emotional and verbal abuse can include but are not limited to:
- gaslighting
- guilt trips
- insults
- dominance over relationship
If a spouse believes that they are in danger, please seek help and create an emergency exit plan. There are many resources available to domestic abuse victims who seek help and safety. The National Domestic Violence Hotline number is 1-800-799-7233 and a map of domestic violence organizations in California.
When you think of your future, is your spouse in it?
Marriage is about teamwork but if either partner is only speaking in “I” or “me” statements, it can be a powerful indicator that it is time to pull the plug. How individuals speak about their relationships can be a powerful predictor of the state and future of that relationship.
Have you made strides to alleviate your marital issues?
Oftentimes, a lack of communication is the real source of contention in a marriage. Partners may not realize their part in the marital issues and should always attempt to reconcile the relationship before turning to the papers. Rather than confronting and discussing issues that may irritate or enrage them, partners may avoid discussion and in turn avoid each other and allow their anger and resentment to build.
Have you felt disconnected from your spouse for an extended period of time?
Chances are if a spouse has already made an exit strategy, they are ready for divorce. Communication is key. Although communication is pivotal in a relationship, sometimes, when the marriage feels irreconcilable, it really is.
Has divorce come up more than once in a fight?
While a lapse of judgment may occur or a spouse may occasionally wonder, happily married couples do not spend their time contemplating divorce. Continuous ultimatums or threats to the relationship are a bad sign. If divorce is a topic that commonly comes up in arguments, this may be a red flag.
Do you still love your partner?
While love is not the only factor of a happy marriage, it is an important one. Make sure to sort through emotions before getting a divorce.
Are you still attracted to your partner?
Attraction, touch, and sex or a huge part of marriage and what distinguish it from other relationships. Humans instinctively crave touch and need it to survive. While it does not necessarily need to be sexual, check for little forms of contact or expression in communication.
If the idea of being intimate with one’s partner and staying in a marriage causes them anxiety and/or bitterness, then it is probably time to leave. Keep an eye out for signs of physical distress, while the mind may try to trick us, the body often tells the truth.
Are you prepared to change your entire life?
Often, divorce rips open one’s life. It is a disruptive force, both emotionally and financially.
If serious about divorce, spouses should sort the division of finances and assets for life after divorce. It is important to think about employment options, financial security, living arrangements, and custody arrangements for those with minor children.
When the fear of the unknown outweighs the thought of remaining in a relationship, then it is probably time to leave.
Are your finances in order?
Divorce is expensive. Not just because of the legal fees that pile up, but because spouses often share their finances and can have little funds in their name. Therefore, divorce might cause a loss of control over one’s finances. Those finding themselves in this predicament should start saving money for a divorce fund.
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While divorce might seem like the best option now, sometimes the best option is to take some time to really think about the decision. Perhaps, even consider marital therapy.
Not quite ready for divorce? Consider Legal Separation:
Legal separation is an option for those who want the benefits of the divorce without the finality of it. Legal separation serves as a trial run to handle certain issues now and decide on other issues like asset division, child and spousal orders, and divorce at a later date.
Related: Legal Separation vs. Divorce in California
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If you or a loved one would like to learn more about deciding if it is time for divorce, get your free consultation with one of our divorce attorneys today!